Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
