I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
