I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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