You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
