he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
