The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
