We're like a lot better than the average bears
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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