Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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