I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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