Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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