when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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