wanna go halves on a baby?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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