Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
