if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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