oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
