I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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