he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
tell me about the eggs
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
