It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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