The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
