i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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