actually, I'm a sock model
from now on my penis is your penis
home. puking in laundry basket.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
