I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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