Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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