I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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