what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
