Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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