hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
