I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
