He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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