I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
