genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize