I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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