I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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