How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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