Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
