when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
