She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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