take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
