an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
