Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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