i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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