I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
