I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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