All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
