Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
