I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
