Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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