I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
