So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
they need to just BURY HIM!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
