Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
