I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
His nipple licking is glorious
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