I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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