just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
