Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you didnt know i had herpes?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
