Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
