Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
