When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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