Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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