I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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