Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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