I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
